nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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