It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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