All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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