There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize