pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
