Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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