I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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