I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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