Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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