i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
