i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
