If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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