i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
