There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
