we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Drunk is not a location!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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