Kiss
Puke
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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