i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
