I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
