I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
