DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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