true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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