i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
