god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
how can u be prego again
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
