last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
