On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
