The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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