just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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