just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
