What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He felt like a one man threesome
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
