my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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