walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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