Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
