She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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