I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Drunk is a universal language darling
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
