Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
