I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize