if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
