she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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