I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
