Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Congratulations! We have a period
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
