So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
