we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
