So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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