i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
