U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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