I'm so fucking centered right now
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
