I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I touched a dick in church today
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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