and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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