I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
