i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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