You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just pee around me
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
