Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
