he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
