well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
