Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
