oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
