Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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