I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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