I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
