i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
