and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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