the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
