When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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