every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
