I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
