I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
