Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
