I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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