It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
